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bigtree
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Joined: Mar 20, 2000
Posts: 4285
Location: Canada
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 Posted:
Tue Sep 05, 2000 2:15 pm |
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Jokes for musicians only... (substitute the instrument of your choice as<BR>desired...)<P>> Q: What's the rarest question in the English language?<BR>> A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"<BR>><BR>> Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?<BR>> A: A Flat Miner<BR>><BR>> Q: What do you call a person that hangs around with bands?<BR>> A: Bass player.<BR>><BR>> Q: What do you call a drummer without a significant other?<BR>> A: Homeless!<BR>><BR>> Q: You can trash an accordion or bagpipes. Which do you choose?<BR>> A: The accordion... Business before pleasure!<BR>><BR>> Q: Why was the harmonica player drooling from one corner of his mouth?<BR>> A: The stage wasn't level.<BR>><BR>> Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: One to change the light bulb and five to say "I could do that."<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the difference between a folk singer and a bond?<BR>> A: Eventually the bond will mature and make money.<BR>><BR>> Q: What do you call a banjo player with a beeper?<BR>> A: An optimist!<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the difference between a dulcimer and an onion?<BR>> A: Nobody cries when you slice up a dulcimer.<BR>><BR>> Q: How many bodhran players does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: Don't know, we managed it once but none of us could count.<BR>><BR>> Q: How do you know a drummer is at your door?<BR>> A: The knocking speeds up and he's not sure quite when to come in.<BR>><BR>> Q: How can you tell if a band is playing on a level stage?<BR>> A: The drummer is drooling from BOTH sides of his mouth.<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the last thing the drummer said before leaving the band?<BR>> A: Hey guys! Lets try one of my tunes!<BR>><BR>> Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?<BR>> A: None! They have a machine to do that now.<BR>><BR>> Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: None. The keyboardist can do it with his left hand.<BR>><BR>> Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: One; but the guitar player has to show him how first.<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the range of a fretless six string?<BR>> A: 20 yards if you have a good arm<BR>><BR>> Q: How do you make a double bass sound in tune?<BR>> A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.<BR>><BR>> Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down his amp?<BR>> A: Give him a sheet of music.<BR>><BR>> Q: What did the guitarist get on his chemistry exam?<BR>> A: Drool<BR>><BR>> Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?<BR>> A: His amp.<BR>><BR>> Q: How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: One. They hold the bulb in the socket...the world revolves around<BR>> them.<BR>><BR>> Q: There is a knock at your door, how do you know it's a singer?<BR>> A: They can't find the key and don't know when to come in!<BR>><BR>> Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: Don't be silly, they can't go that high.<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a folksinger?<BR>> A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.<BR>><BR>> Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?<BR>> A: 7! 1 to screw in the bulb, and 6 write a about missing the old<BR>> one.<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the difference between a piano and a Harley-Davidson?<BR>> A: One of us might be able to tune a Harley.<BR>><BR>> Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?<BR>> A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.<BR>><BR>> Q: Why do bagpipers walk around when they play?<BR>> A: To get away from the noise.<BR>><BR>> Q: Why do bagpipers walk around when they play?<BR>> A: Because it's really hard to hit a moving target.<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a boat anchor?<BR>> A: You tie a rope around the anchor before you throw it overboard.<BR>><BR>> Q: What happens if you play country music backwards?<BR>> A: Your wife returns...Your dog lives...You get out of prison...<BR>><BR>> Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?<BR>> A: New Age music!<BR>><BR>> Q: How long does it take to tune a hammered dulcimer?<BR>> A: Nobody knows...<BR>><BR>> Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a banjo?<BR>> A: A Banjo burns longer.<BR>><BR>> Q: How many Folk club goers does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: Ten. One to change it and nine to complain that it's electric!<BR>><BR>> Q: How many folkies does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>> A: Change?<BR>><BR>> Q: Why do banjo players make bad spouses?<BR>> A: Because they're so picky, picky, picky....<BR>><BR>> Q: How many zither players does it take to screw in a light bulb?<BR>> A: Anywhere from 19 to 72.<BR>><BR>> Q: What do you call a zither mounted on the hood of your car?<BR>> A: An autoharp.<BR>><BR>> Q: Which is more frustrating, a zither or chess?<BR>> A: A zither; it's easy to find someone to show you how to play chess.<BR>> |
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Ang1970
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Joined: Sep 4, 2000
Posts: 1230
Location: MA
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Wed Sep 06, 2000 12:30 am |
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Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>A: I don't know, what do you think?<BR> |
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SonOfSmawg
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Joined: Sep 10, 2000
Posts: 1704
Location: Pahrump, Nevada, USA
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Sun Sep 10, 2000 1:12 am |
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Q: What is the most-asked question at <BR> band rehearsal?<BR>A:"Who's the new drummer?"<P>And then, after he leaves...<P>Q:What is the usual critique of the new <BR> drummer?<BR>A:"He's a good drummer, but he's a<BR> beat off."<P>Hope that's not too "off color"... |
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ZeroSphere
Recording Org
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Joined: Sep 16, 2000
Posts: 3
Location: West of Ireland
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Sat Sep 16, 2000 5:22 am |
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"Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?"<P>A: "You only have to punch the data in to the drum machine once"<P>Sorry!<P>------------------<BR>"Listen first, Analyse Later" |
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Peter Williams
The ZeroSphere
Ireland |
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SonOfSmawg
Respected Past Moderator
Joined: Sep 10, 2000
Posts: 1704
Location: Pahrump, Nevada, USA
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Wed Sep 27, 2000 4:12 pm |
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Yeah, but sometimes you'd like to punch the drummer more than once... |
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cb
Recording Org
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Joined: Sep 8, 2000
Posts: 20
Location: Toronto Canada
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Wed Sep 27, 2000 8:25 pm |
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Ha! I once was in a band that went through 12 drummers in 11 weeks. OH MY GOD, what a nightmare!<P> I was just a side man. I'm still shocked over it.<P>sorry drummers, time to speak up if your out there.<P>  <P>------------------<BR> |
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casey becker |
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lwilliam
Recording Org
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Joined: Oct 6, 2000
Posts: 71
Location: Santa Clarita, CA USA
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Mon Oct 23, 2000 3:22 pm |
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Uh, many drummers can't read.... |
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Kirk
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Joined: Sep 4, 2000
Posts: 2
Location: Fort Wayne
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Tue Nov 07, 2000 2:30 am |
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Q. What's the diff. between a dead snake and a dead trombone player laying along the road...<P>A. The snake may have been on his way to a gig! |
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Fletcher
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Joined: Feb 10, 2001
Posts: 777
Location: Foxboro, MA
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Tue Feb 13, 2001 8:12 pm |
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cb:<BR><B>Ha! I once was in a band that went through 12 drummers in 11 weeks. OH MY GOD, what a nightmare!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So...are you Nigel, or David St. Hubbins? |
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tonewoods
Recording Org
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Joined: Sep 26, 2000
Posts: 20
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
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Wed Feb 14, 2001 1:05 pm |
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cb:<BR><B>Sorry drummers, time to speak up if your out there.<P> <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a proctoligist?<P>A: A proctoligist only has to deal with one asshole at a time... |
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lflier
Recording Org
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Joined: Feb 13, 2001
Posts: 35
Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA
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Wed Feb 14, 2001 8:47 pm |
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Q. What's the difference between a bull and a big band?<BR>A. A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.<P>Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead record exec in the road?<BR>A. There's skid marks next to the skunk.<P>Q. What happens when you play a country music record backwards?<BR>A. You get your truck back, you get your baby back, your dog comes home, and you quit drinking. |
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Nate Tschetter
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Joined: Feb 11, 2001
Posts: 696
Location: Northridge, CA
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Fri Feb 16, 2001 9:10 am |
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Q. How do you make a trombone player's car more aerodynamic?<P>A. Take the "Domino's Pizza" sign off the top.<P>---<P>Q. What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?<P>A. New Age music. |
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Nate Tschetter
Sonic Taxidermist
www.gluethemoose.com |
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BenBradley
Recording Org
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Joined: Feb 14, 2001
Posts: 33
Location: Snayllveele, Jawja
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Tue Feb 20, 2001 5:39 pm |
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Yuri Terleckyj:<BR><B>POP...POP "Is this thing on?" <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not any more... |
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http://www.musicalgearbox.com Actual content coming Real Soon Now. |
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matt_boutin
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Joined: Feb 21, 2001
Posts: 6
Location: Marlboro, Ma
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Wed Feb 21, 2001 9:51 am |
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Q - How do you know a drummer has been to your house at night?<P>A - Your garbage cans are empty and your dog is pregnant.. |
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Other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?? |
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Earl Musick
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Joined: Feb 11, 2001
Posts: 21
Location: Fort Worth, TX
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Wed Feb 21, 2001 10:46 am |
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Whats the difference between a drummer and a pig?<BR>A pig want stay up all night to fuck a drummer. |
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