Jokes for musicians only

Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2001 10:44 pm

There was this drummer who worked at the Oasis club in Cairo 6 nights a week. One day his dream finally came true, he had won a scholarship to the Julliard School in the US.When he had graduated his Visa ran out and he found himself back in Cairo and the only gig available was at the Oasis. "I'll show them" he thought as he quickly displayed all his newfound skills. Finaly the bandleader turned to him and said "Abdul Abdul.. PLEASE.. just a straight 28/13 please!!"

Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2001 1:04 am

Two pretty girls were walking through the forest when they heard a voice coming out of nowhere, "Help me, help me" the little voice cryed, to the girls amazement the voice was coming from a frog ! "Help me, help me, I was a jazz musician but a wicked witch put a spell on me and I turned into a frog. If you kiss me I will turn back into my old self." One of the girls bent over, picked up the frog, put it in her handbag and walked away. The other girl said "Shouldn't you have kissed the frog ?" to which the reply was "Hell no, I can make more money out of a talking frog than I ever could out of a jazz musician !"

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2001 1:20 pm

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce that they're getting a divorce. The kids are totally distraught and pay for a session with the world's most famous marriage counsellor as a last stab at keeping their parents together.The counsellor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other. Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to just shred. After a minute, the couple start talking. The therapist keep soloing on the bass and the couple discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try. The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed it - he replies "I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo." - John

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2001 8:10 pm

I got this of another Forum hehe! SOS BTW. A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2001. But imagine my friend’s disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and cannot be deleted. They can re-surface months or even years later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments. Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2001 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2001, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself. Does this sound like a common problem?

Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2001 6:14 am

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by John Sayers: Does this sound like a common problem?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Dunno, anyway, I forwarded that problem to another forum and here's a suggestion I got from there:He needs Partition Magic, quickly partition the hard drive, re allocate the space then run Finance 1 and make sure the password protection is up to date. Mistress ver. 1 or 2 could over ride the BIOS and crash the whole system, beware of overheat of the CPU, utmost care should be taken with the hard ware, any virus protection software is strongly recommended. The M.I.L situation, keeping the system in tip top condition and constant updates will help remove the troublesomebits but user friendly software is most important, this avoids constant updating and time wasting debates over running time. Sorry, can't give any other advice. Jaxs Perhaps this helped? Wink

Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2001 12:16 pm

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both." Q:What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? A: A tattoo. Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? A: "The Defendant" Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test? A: Saliva. Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept. Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? A: It saves time in the long run. Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? A: About three decibels. Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City? A: Drive-by trombone solos. Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval? A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part. Q: What is another term for trombone? A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? A: On or off. Q: Why do people play trombone? A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw. Q: How does a violist's brain cell die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A: A music critic. Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player? A: Upward mobility. Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? A: Put it in a viola case. Q:What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's Porsche. Q:What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving? A: The policeman Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning? A: Puts on her clothes and goes home. Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so." Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience. Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time. Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again. Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch. Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the secondchorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2001 12:47 pm

How many engineers did it take to screw in a light bulb? (see below) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . None! The assistant did it!

Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2001 10:51 pm

What's better than roses on your piano?Tulips on your organ...

Posted: Fri May 04, 2001 8:11 am

A new member to New York's financial elite was asking around for truly strange and exciting (if not illegal) things to do. A friend told him of a very exclusive and illegal restaurant that served only human brains prepared byt he finest chef's in Europe. Not believing his friend he agreed to go. That evening they pulled up in the limousine to an abandoned dockside warehouse and walked to a rusty metal door. The friend knock twice on the door then three times. A small window opened and a man looked out. The friend whispered something and the door was opened. Inside, was a very ornate dining hall with fine furnishings and candle lit tables. The two men were seated at a table, served wine and given menus. When the man inspected the menus he found to his shock that the fair was indeed human brains. He saw "Neurosugeon's brains served onver pasta in a fine marinara sauce with truffels. - $5000.00" And then, "Nuclear Physisist Brains - Poached in a white wine and covered with Sause L'Orange and garlic butter - $7,500.00". At the top of the list was "Drummer's Brains - Served Scampi with butter and garlic - $10,000." The man was confused and asked the waiter to explain. He understood why a Doctor or Nuclear Physisist brains would be pricy but why so much for 'Drummer's brains'. The Waiter exlaimed, "are you kidding??? do you know how many drummers you have to kill to get an ounce of Brains?!!!" Rolling Eyes

RO Admin Joined: Mar 20, 2000 Posts: 4262 Location: Canada

Hi everyone, I started this topic Sept. 5, 2000 a day after RO was created. It's been a while since we added to it. It's close to New Years, I think I'll add one more for the road.

How can you tell a musicians house?

The welcome mat is gaff taped to the stairs lol!

Cheers! :c:

RO Admin Joined: Mar 20, 2000 Posts: 4262 Location: Canada

bump

Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 8:17 pm

This is not about musicians but its funny....

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof!

God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour,after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof!
God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

hehehehe....... :h: Treena

This topic sponsored by: