Thomas, I would say the song needs to be short and too the point. Ending it at the 3min mark would do it for me. I like the modulation in the chorus, it drives the song pretty good. I often make the same mistake with going farther, IMO people like short tunes. The message is certainly there in this song, but just like any good story you need to hook the attention of the listener which I think you have done here well.
Everyone wants something different, so I am only giving you my perspective on this. Generally, when singing myself I look for a melody and chord that resonates with the story. I tend to write in minor keys when dealing with difficulty because it reflects my personality, so a minor to Major type modulation, or key change may fit? I don't know perhaps you could try it?
As far as the production goes, I think something needs touching up, the drums. They sound like they are samples. Nothing wrong with that if that is what you are shooting for, but to me it would take the song up a notch if you could make them better, specifically the snare drum.
Also, I would comment that the vocalist has a thick kind of chorus effect or has a quality that is laking something, I feel like she is holding back for some reason, like the song needs more strength, not that the vocalist is not a good fit. It just seems like she is not quite there yet. Perhaps a deeper tone would add to the song? I tend to like a dry vocal but thats just me. I do not know if that makes sense but there is my two cents.
Cheers and happy new year,