I’ve heard the quote “writing about music is like dancing about architecture” attributed to Frank Zappa on more than one occasion. I suppose that’s true...if it is, then writing about audio can be akin to “dancing an elevator shaft”. Audio, while a necessary component of recorded music, has damn little use on it’s own [imagine a building that was just an elevator? One big shaft with a whole lot of doors 1,000 ft. into the sky...not all that useful, but interesting, sorta like a “spec” sheet], it’s the music that’s important.

So these dumb bastards gave me my own place to howl...how ‘bout that. I wouldn’t have...but hey, let’s have some fun with this shall we. OK...this is your place, y’all can make it what you will. So...what should we do here? How about anything we want.

I’ve always looked at engineering [and associated fields] as a method to support the music. I’ve heard records where the audio got in the way of the music, and I’ve heard other recordings where the audio so supported the musical statement, it’s nearly impossible to think of the musical statement with any other audio. The music, the performance, the recorded tone all melt into one presentation and that presentation is the perfect translation of the artist’s vision. When that happens, it’s a little slice of heaven. You can’t really write about that. You either do it, or you don’t...it’s kinda like a romance novel, it can get you hot, but being ‘Emanuel the Gardener’ is a hell of a lot better than reading about ‘Emanuel the Gardener’s exploits.

I suppose we can talk about some of the tools employed to achieve it...I suppose we can talk about some interesting techniques, and stupid pet tricks we’ve discovered that helped to provide it...but we really can’t talk about “it”. We can definitely call out the people that make the tools that we need to build our product.

Got a bitch/gripe/whatever? Bring it here, we’ll see if we can put them on the hot seat...together. Hi there “XXX Co.”...’Emanuel the Gardener here, and I was kinda wondering why the new _____ sucks, and when you were going to get around fixing ____ problem?’

First rule...there are no rules. When you get down to it, most of these ‘magazine sponsored forum’ thingy’s probably want to ‘coddle’ the advertisers; play nice; show respect; blah, blah, f**king blah. Nyuh-uh. This is by for and about us who make music. Period. While there are definite plans to beat the bushes and rattle up some corporate coin, there will be no corporate semen swallowed here today.

This is the fun end of the sand box...the end here throwing the sand is OK. But you damn well better be able to back it up after you throw it. No one is granted respect. Respect will either be earned or not earned...that extends to the participants, as well as to the subject matter. If you throw sand, be prepared to have it whipped back at you fast, and furiously.

I read in Sonny Barger's biography that they banned smoking in the Oakland Chapter of the HAMC's clubhouse...let me assure you, this is the smoking section. Here we can be as politically incorrect, and abjectly insensitive as anywhere you've ever been. We will stay modertately on track. We will stay to hardware and techniques, food and drink. The morality or non-morality of 'Napster' (and those similar) will get zero play here.

Sorry, I'm f**king sick of it, this is going to be a Napster free discussion zone. Let some other damn forum get into that BS...not for our club.

Feel free to get personal, but have a valid e-mail address if you do. Cyber anonymity is all well and good, and you may feel free to enjoy it, but if you call someone out, be man [or wo-main] enough to have a direct response address. They gave me editing privileges, as well as deletion privileges. I will make you look like a drooling baboon if you call someone out while doing the “cyber-anonymous”, no return address/no private contact information provided. Round these parts, you’re either a known quantity, or you’re lurking, or a contributor that’s not calling someone out. Hey, if you want to contribute, be as anonymous as you’d like, but you have to be nice if you’re going to be anonymous. You wanna get personal with someone, be ready to back it up, and identify yourself [sh*t, that almost sounds like rules...what an asshole hypocrite I’m already turning into...next thing you know I’ll wanna be Governor of Texas or some sh*t.

Rule two...oh there isn’t one; refer to rule one for details. But if there were one...it would be: “be funny”. There are way too many serious motherf**kers in this business. Let’s have some damn fun.

Irreverence is the word of the day. Oh, if you haven’t noticed, I have a potty mouth[or in this case potty typing fingers], if you’re sensitive to issues of langauge...then please, go the f**k away now before this forum bums you right the f**k out. “Parental Advisory: Explicit f**king Lyrics”.

What about blasting manufacturers? Fair game! Hang ‘um high! But we might want to praise the good ones as kind of a countermeasure...for sh*ts and giggles [I’ve always wondered the derivation of that phrase...what sick bastard came up with that...you’ve got to wonder]. We can blast each other, hell blast the “books” and the other ‘moderators’...especially me. Truth be known...I’m the least qualified son of a bitch that should ever have a “forum”. I pimp gear and record "demos". I've been around the block a couple of times, I've worked on a couple of records that have actually sold, but I'm not any genius by any stretch of the imagination. This is your forum, I'm just "HNIC", so deal with it that way.

Let’s not disappoint, OK? Let’s make this fun, educational, fun, productive, fun, and while we’re at it, give everyone a voice. Got a question?, got a beef?...ever wonder why the “XXX Co” never implemented the “YYYY feature” like they said they were going to? Hell...let’s ask ‘um? That sounds like fun to me. I’ve got a few other questions brewing around my brain that will get asked as time moves along...but first, let’s see how and where you guys take this.

Hey, thanks to everyone for inviting me to the dance...hope I’m worthy of your expectations! In the immortal words of my hero: Al Bundy “...let’s rock” .