New studio / musician jokes!
Okay, there haven't been any new jokes posted around here lately...this situation is BULLSHIT. To quote Bob Buontempo aka The Mix Fix, "alright, let's see if you stiffs have any sense of humor..." :D
A kid goes up to his Mom and says "I want to be a musician when I grow up." The Mother replies "One or the other!"
Q) What's the difference between a large pizza a musician?
A) The pizza can feed a family of four.
Q) What's the shame of sending four bagpipe players over a cliff in a Ford Explorer?
A) The Explorer seats five.
One day a snake and a blind rabbit came across each other in the forest. Being peaceful but curious animals, they mutually decided to feel each other so as to decide what kind of creatures they were. The snake said " I'll go first. Let's see...." As he slithered around the rabbit he said," Hmmmm...warm, soft, fuzzy, big ears, you are a Bunny Rabbit." The rabbit said says" Yes, now my turn. Hmmm...slimey, quick tongue, no ears, You are a record company A&R man."
My very favorite (feel free to substitute the city of your choice).
Q:What's the difference between an Austin musician and a government bond?
A: Eventually the bond matures and makes money.
One day an Austin guitar player wins the lottery. After collecting his $40 Million, he steps out of the Texas Lottery Commision door to find the press waitng to interview him. A reporter asks... "What will you _do_ now that you've won $40 million.?" The austin guitar pauses then answers, "Well ... , I guess I'll just keep gigging 'till the money runs out."
What's the difference between a banjo & a trampoline??
You take your shoe's off before you jump on a trampoline! :D
an engineer and a producer are driving across the desert. their car breaks down, so they start walking. after a few hours in the hot sun, they figure they need to start looking for some water or they are vulture food...so they decide to split up and look to cover more area. the engineer soon happens upon a small freshwater spring, but the flow of water is slow as snail snot. he cups his hands under the water source and patiently watches the water drip down drop by drop until he collects a big enough gulp...minutes seem to pass achingly slow as the already dehydrated engineer is just about to swallow his first cool drink when...
the producer saunters over and starts taking a piss in the engineer's cupped hands. dumbfounded, the engineer asks just what the hell was the producer doing, to which the producer replies, "Sorry man, I was only trying to help!"
From Bob the Mix Fix...
So a Musician/Engineer walks into a Studio, and asks the Female receptionist, Karen, to see the owner.
She says, he's out right now. The guy says, he'll wait. After 5 minutes, he tells her, "You know you have lovely breasts." He pulls out a $100.00 dollar bill, and says, "I'll give this to you if you let me see them."
She thinks about it for a while, and says, "What the Hell," and opens her shirt.
The guy throws the $100.00 on her desk.
After 5 more minutes, he says "You know, you have a lovely Bottom." He pulls out another $100.00 bill, and says, "I'll give you this if you pull off your pants."
Again, she thinks about it for a while, and says, "Why not," and does it. He throws her the other hundred.
He waits for 5 more minutes, and says, "Look, I've got to go. Tell Ed that I was here, okay?"
Later on, Ed comes into the studio. The receptionist says, "Your weird, asshole, client, friend, Bob, was here, but had to leave."
Ed says, "Oh good!! Did he leave me the $200.00 he owes me?" :eek:
An man walks into an airport bar with a large case in his hand. He sits at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the case kind of nervously and asks, "Is that a bomb or Bagpipes?" The man looks back at him, "It's a Bomb! What's it to ya?" "Thank Jebus, I thought for a second it was Bagpipes!"
3 guys arrive in heaven and St Peter asks the first what he did on earth. "I was a doctor" he replies, cool says StP in through the pearly gates you go.
The second was a lawyer, OK in through the pearly gates you go. The third was a musician. Oh, a Musician, says St P. Now what I want you to do is to go down the hall, take the second on the left and enter through the kitchen...
Q: Why do a drummer's eyes look all red and watery after sex?
A: It's the mace.
Q: Why did God make drummers only slightly smarter than horses?
A: So they don't shit at a parade.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a Harley?
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to guitar players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What is a one word oxymoron?
The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Q: How do you stop the spread of the common cold?
A: Let a record company distribute it.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: The least-heard sentence in the English language?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Q: What's the difference between The James Last Orchestra and a cow?
A: A cow"s got horns at the front, and a cunt at the back.
Q: What's the difference between the Doc Severinsen Orchestra and a moose?
A: A moose has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.
Bono comes up to Thom York at a party. "Hey, what kind of cigar are you smoking there, Thom?" "This? It's a Fred Durst." Thom replies. "What's a Fred Durst?" Bono asks. Yorke says "It's a piece of shit with a band around it."
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
A well dressed man walks into the bar, goes up to the pianist, puts a $20 in his glass and says proudly: "I'm here from New York and I want to hear the original, authentic version of "New York, New York". The pianist happily complies and starts dah dah dadada dah dah dadada..."start spreading the news...." "No, no, no" screams the New Yorker. "I said I wanted to hear the original authentic version, the one in 5/4". The pianist just looks at him with a blank stare at which point the man grabs the mic and goes "you know dah dah dadada dah dah dadada.... start spreading the fuckin' news...."
Q: How do you sell a duck to a monitor engineer?
A: YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK!?!?!?
Q: What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet?
A: The toilet only takes crap from one asshole at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a record exec. and a catfish?
A: One's a bottom-feeding scumsucker and the other's a fish.
Two guys are talking about their IQ's at a bar. The first says, "My IQ is 175 and I'm a rocket scientist." To which the other replies, "That's amazing, my IQ is 175 and I'M a rocket scientist." ...
Further down, two more men overhear and compare their IQ's. "My IQ is 140 and I'm a lawyer." To which the other replies, "That's amazing, my IQ is 140 and I'M a lawyer, too." ...
At the other end of the bar, two more hear them and compare IQ's "My IQ is 96." To which the other replies, "That's amazing, my IQ is 96 too! What sticks do you use?"
What happened when the bassist locked his keys in the car?
Took damn near an hour to get the drummer out!
A banjo player takes a shortcut through a rural area and his car breaks down. Heads to the nearest farm. Typical farmer's daughter situation. The next day his car is fixed and he leaves...
One year later he's in the general area and decides to visit. Pulling up he sees the farmer and the farmer's daughter holding a 3 month old baby that looks MIGHTY familiar...
He gets out and says, "I gave you my phone number! Why didn't you call and let me know I was a father. I'm willing to live up to my responsibility." ...
To which the farmer replied, "Yeah, we decided we'd rather have a bastard than a banjo picker any day!"
Mommy," said the little girl, "Can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?" "Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Q: You see a conductor and a violist walking in a parking lot... who do you run over first?
A: The conductor...business before pleasure.
This actually occurred with the Cleveland Symphony... A little background, first: There ARE good viola players, but violists are the butt of many a joke, mainly because there are so many who are violists by default, not by choice, their prowess with the violin being less than exemplary. Why, then, so many composers decided that they would give some of the most rhythmically challenging parts to the viola section is beyond the ken of many a conductor. Inevitably, they are given the "off" beats... the "and" of just about everything. Once during a concert in Cleveland, the orchestra came to a resounding finish, only to have a solitary "screekch" of a viola hit the off-beat after the ending chord. Without hesitation, a fellow in the percussion section shouted, "HEY! ONE GOT THROUGH!" No word as to whatever happened to the poor viola player...
And, to finish things off... a favorite quote about musicians from the composer, Richard Strauss: "Never look at the trombones; it only encourages them."
What's the difference between a dumpster full of crap & an A&R person?
What's the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a beeper.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On and off
What's the best way to tune a banjo?
Two drummers walk into a bar...
you'd think the second one would have seen it.
Why did the bass player keep drumsticks on his dashboard?
So he could park in a handicapped space.
What's the definition of counterpoint?
A: Two guitarists reading from the same chart.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the keyboard player does it with his left hand.
How many producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, producers screw in hot tubs, light bulbs are too small.
How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 21 - One holds the bulb, the other twenty drink until the room spins. :D
Q: Driving down the road, you see an accordion and a banjo in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first?
A: The accordion. Business before pleasure.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo player and an onion?
A: People cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What should you do when a drummer comes to your door?
A: Pay the nice young man for the pizza.
One day at band rehearsal, the drummer and guitarist suddenly started beating the hell out of each other. When the singer finally got them broken up, he asked, "Okay, you assholes, what the hell is going on?"
The guitarist replied, "He detuned one of my strings -- and he won't tell me which one!"
Q: What's the definition of a semitone?
A: Two guitarists in unison.
Q: What do you get when you throw a bassist off a building?
Our hero was walking around Ventura and after he had an In-and-Out burger, he happened upon a little antique shop, so he went in and took a look around. Way up on a high shelf he saw a little brass mouse figurine, and he really liked it. He asked the owner how much it was, and the guy said, "It's $50 for the mouse, and $100 for the story that goes with it." Well, our hero didn't care about any old story, he just liked the little brass mouse, so he paid the guy $50 and walked out with the mouse in a brown paper bag. As he was walking home, he noticed the figurine was hollow with two little holes. Holding it up to his mouth, it made a melodious whistle. No sooner that he started, he was being followed by three little mice. When he stopped, they stopped. When he turned left, they turned left, et cetera. "Whoa, this is creeping me out," he thought. As he walked, the mice were joined by more mice, until our hero looked like the Pied Piper. He started to run, and he wound up on a pier over the Pacific Ocean [he's in Ventura, remember?] All the mice in town are right behind him. He is so freaked out that he throws the bag with the brass mouse into the water, and all the little mice jump after it, fall into the ocean, and drown. "Man, this is weird!" he says. He goes back to the antique store, and the owner doesn't seem surprised to see him. "Ahhh, you've come back to hear the story!" he says to our dilapidated hero. "No, man," says he, "I was just wondering if you have any little brass banjo players?"
Once upon a time, there was a band. This band consisted of a banjo player, trombone, accordian, and viola. One year on December 30th the banjo player gets a call. A club owner informs him that the band he had scheduled for New Years Eve just canceled on him, and could the banjo player's band make the gig. He calls the rest of the fellas and tells them to meet him at the club to set up their equipment. Well the gig went reasonably well, especially since drunk New Years Eve partiers are gonna have a good time if it kills em. At the end of the night the club owner hands them their pay and says thanks for covering his ass. He then casually asks if they might be interested in coming back to play sometime in the Spring. All the guys in the band light up, and the banjo player says "Sure that would be great, say can we leave our gear here till then?"
A singer and her accompanying pianist have been gigging for a while. One night just before they go on, the singer says "When we do My Funny Valentine tonight, I'd like to jazz it up a bit - have you got any suggestions?" The pianist says "Well, after the second verse you could modulate up a semitone, and then when you get to the final verse you could change to 5/4". The singer says "Oh I don't think I could do that without some practise". The pianist replies "Well I don't see why not, you did it that way last night".
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
in the late 70's and much of the 80's it was 1...8...1...8...
Q. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one to hold it while the world revolves around him.
Q. How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven. One to change and the rest to sing how good the old bulb was.
Once upon the time there was a carpenter, hooker and a roadie having an argument, who's got the oldest profession.
Carpenter: "Ya know, my grand-grand fathers were building Noah's Arch!"
Hooker: "Well, everyone around sure knows, who's profession is really the oldest."
Roadie drinking his beer: "When God said Let The Be Light, our cablework was allready done."